Teen
Board with Wong
Pat and Wong go to Teen
Board
Teen Board is
a debutante ball held in Knoxville every year.
My junior year of high school I was invited to teen Board
by Windy Lively, my prom date from earlier in the year.
Wong also went with Windy’s friend Susan who he had a dating
relationship with at one point.
Now a little background
on Windy. She is a
nice girl, very religious, and very straight laced.
I liked Windy but she seemed to want a bit more of a relationship
than I did. Actually
the only big problem Windy and I had was Eric Weaver.
Eric, Whiskey for those of you that read the message board,
is literally my oldest friendship.
Our fathers partied together and it was just natural for
us to carry on the family tradition.
Windy was very anti partying, but more than anything she
was very anti-Weaver. Now
I wasn’t nearly the partier in high school that I am now.
But hey, we all have to start somewhere.
Weaver was my version of Obi-Wan kenobi at the time, he
and many others helped make me what I am today.
Windy didn’t want me to be this so we
had some conflict there.
She would have had me in church every Sunday, I was more
for being hung over and sleeping in on Sundays.
I think to this day she still blames Eric for us never
dating.
Back to the story.
Wong and I knew we were going to Teen Board.
We also knew that we would basically be without the rest
of our group. Our
motto at the time and ,for myself and most of the others I’m sure
it still is, go armed or don’t go at all.
Hey a little paranoia never hurt hurt anybody.
I think our inventory of weapons that night included, two
pairs of nunchakus, two swith-blades, three butterfly knives,
a short sword, and dozens of throwing stars.
Windy and Susan had no clue we were armed until we got
there. They seemed
a bit taken aback by the fact that we came to a social event armed
to the point that it must have seemed like we feared ninja
clans were after us. we
assured them it was for their protection and we only wanted to
be prepared.
We parted ways after the
event to go to dinner. Windy
was having us chauffeured by her friend Phyllis Fannon, Dancin’
Stevie’s older sister. She
also had a good hunk of her church youth group ,that weren’t invited
to the dance, with her. I’m
preety sure she was trying to make me a Baptist.
We went to the finest dining establishment in
Knoxville , Regis.
It is a truly nice place to eat and is very high class.
I decided to spice up the evening a bit and went to the
cheese cart to cut me off a snack.
I balked at the substandard knife that they had to cut
the cheese with so I proceeded to whip out a switchblade and cut
me a huge hunk of cheese.
Most of the other patrons were horrified beyond belief
and I saw Windy slump down in humiliation.
We had a good meal and on the way home she started pitching
for me to come to church with her on Sunday.
I told her that I was sorry but I had to sleep in that
day. This pissed off
the entire group in the vehicle.
Windy and I never went out again.
Pat’s first
drunken story
Believe it or not I was not much
of a drinker during my high school days. That is probably a
good thing because i may have been a different Pat if I’d have
started early I may have burned out or grown up or something
equally bad like that.
Anyway at the end of my senior
year of high school Eric’s parents went out of town for the
weekend. He decided to have Wong and myself open for an exciting
night of getting shit housed drunk. My cousin Keith provided
us with a liter of vodka and possibly some other form of liqueur,
but it is the vodka that is central to this story.
Wong and I arrived and Weaver
declared that we would make screwdrivers and play Grog that
night. Grog is a game similar to quarters only with a communal
cup, if the quarter lands in the communal cup the last person
who finishes drinking their beverage also had to drink the communal.
Now I had never been drunk before, sure I’d had beer and frozen
drinks but I had never had just straight hard mixed liqueur
before. Well we played all the way through the liter of vodka
and I drank more than my share. I’m pretty sure Eric and Wong
drank whatever other liqueur we also had while i stumbled off.
I made my way downstairs and
started drunken dialing. I could only remember Jamie Byrd’s
number (who later played a key role in the Alex Housley Chronicles).
I called and professed my undying love to her family’s answering
machine, fortunately she was at the beach with her family that
night. At some point Eric and Wong must have realized that I
had disappeared. They came downstairs to find me licking the
wall of Eric’s stairwell. They asked me what the hell I was
doing and I told them I was licking the oranges. I don’t know
why I said that as his walls were not orange nor did they have
pictures of oranges on them. But in my hazy vision I’m sure
that’s what I saw.
After a while Eric and Wong got
me into the guest bedroom and tried to settle me down. I passed
out for a few minutes before I woke up and and began emptying
the contents of my stomach onto the entertainment center. Eric
and Wong heard my retching and came to investigate. The site
of half digested pizza all over the place infuriated Eric and
he stormed off. As Wong was tending to me Eric came back with
his fathers six-gun. Eric stated his intention to end my life
and Wong looked at him and said you can’t shoot him. As if on
cue I began puking again. The Wong looked at Eric and told him,”you
can’t shoot him because I’m going to!” As they wrestled for
control of the gun I slithered off to safety. Eventually the
shock, disgust and anger subsided and I was allowed to go back
to bed. At some point in the night I got cold and couldn’t find
the covers, I was so drunk I didn’t know I was laying on top
of them. I finally saw them hanging on the wall so I pulled
them down, covered up, and passed out. The next morning I found
out that I had pulled the curtains off the wall and used them
as a blanket.
The next morning we were all
feeling kind of rough. I was especially bad as this was a new
experience to me. A little later in the morning we were all
on different phones with our friend Anya Myers. I was basking
in my pain on the downstairs extension with her when the puke
pain hit me. I laid the phone down and crawled to the downstairs
bathroom, which featured the anomaly known as Thrust Toilet.
Then I did something that I have only done this one time, I
began dry heaving. Apparently Anya heard this and and was horrified.
Shortly thereafter Derrick arrived from summer school ( he had
to take English 4 there to officially graduate since he never
bothered going to it during the year). He was truly disturbed
by what he saw. I was moaning in pain on the downstairs couch
wearing nothing but my underwear, Eric was upstairs vacuuming
all of my puke up, and Wong was cursing me. Well , that last
part isn’t as shocking as Wong cursed everyone all the time.
We eventually got the house clean and Eric's parent's were none
the wiser when they returned home.
Travelling to UT with
Andy
For those of you that don’t know,
I truly hate to drive. Especially back in the day. When I was
going to UT, I made it a point to find somebody to drive me
there. One of these people was Andy Wyrick, or LOF. He was truly
Derrick’s Mini-Me. Andy was a great guy though and is the man
who was responsible for the drunkest I have ever been.
Andy and I had been riding together for a while when he came
up with a brilliant idea. He wanted to take his girlfriend to
the apehouse at the Knoxville Zoo while she was menstrating.
He was hoping that her potent woman menstrating smell would
cause all the varios apes to run up and start masturbating.
More on Andy will be forthcoming.
Traveling to UT with Christy
My first semester at Ut I rode
with my friend Chuck’s girlfriend, and eventually his wife,
Christy. Christy drove most of the time. I don’t think she liked
my driving skills. That was fine with me, seeing as I hate to
drive. At one point we were coming home to Campbell County and
we were being harassed by an unkind driver. I didn’t take well
to this because Christy was: a. my ride b. my friends girlfriend
and c. technically she still owes me an evening to have my way
with her because I defended her honor once (now I’ll probably
never call that one in but at the time I was considering it).
Well I dealt with this person the best way I knew how, I started
mooning them. Christy didn’t notice this for several minutes,
until the person passed us therefore leaving me mooning out
of the front windshield. To her credit she didn’t tell me to
find another ride. We rode together until she graduated at the
end of that semester
The Big Fat
At some point my friends and I discovered the joys of the Great American Steak and Buffet Company. We gathered up the Caryville Amoco Sabers (our men’s league softball team) up one night and headed over there. The look on the employee’s faces was priceless as we rolled in. There we probably ten or twelve of us and none of us were particularly small. Sadly we were by no means the biggest people there as such places tend to attract land whales. I have never seen so much elbow foreskin in my life.
We pretty much decimated the food supply. We noticed that Rob was missing as we were preparing to leave. Last I saw him he was headed to the ice cream machine to eat his third dinner plate full of soft serve goodness. We all paid and still no Rob. Finally we checked the bathroom where he laid in the wretched floor writhing in pain. He just kept saying weakly, “Oh…God…too…much…ice cream.” We did what any good friends would do and left him to his business. A short while later he wandered out looking none the worse for wear. We ended the evening with a trip to the porn store.
Hiding from Craig
First a bit of back-story. Chuck Kohlmeyer
and Craig Ivey are friends of mine from my tour at Roane State
Community College. When I went back to ETSU they transferred
to Tennessee Tech and roomed together. Craig is a good guy but
could be a bit overbearing at times and rooming with him took
its toll on Chuck.
One summer day I was on the phone with Chuck trying to plan
the weekend out. All of a sudden I heard Chuck begin cursing.
Then he ran to the door and locked it. He finally told me in
a hushed voice that Craig’s mother had dropped him off at the
top of his drive way and that Craig was lumbering down towards
his house. For the next hour we sat there and listened to Craig
bang on various doors and windows around the house. While Craig
was at the back door Jarred pulled in and must have had the
same thought Chuck did. He sprinted to the door and quickly
locked himself in. Craig really knew something was up when he
saw Jarred’s truck sitting in the driveway. He spent another
hour before giving up and walking home, which was roughly a
mile away.
Yes this was kind of cruel and I wouldn’t normally condone doing
it to one of my friends but damn it was funny.
Cheese, Wine, and Asphyxiation
A few years back a new room was
added to The Pat’s Lair. The old carport/back porch was turned
into a glassed in sunroom. This made for an excellent addition
as it was indoors but I didn’t have to worry about getting it
wet after swimming because of the brick floor. I quickly added
a big screen TV to the porch for our viewing pleasure. As summer
ended and it started getting cooler the new room was less useful.
An unvented gas heater was added, thus making the room a year
round investment.
The room became my primary entertainment area. It played host
to many get-togethers over the years.
One night was particularly note worthy in its folly and almost
disaster. Stevie came over to watch TV one winter night. It
was cold so I fired up the heater. I also cracked open a fresh
bottle of wine and a new block of cheese. We were eating like
we were Frenchmen in a sauna. I had the heat cranked up rather
high as it was in the teens outdoors that night. We both noticed
we were unusually tired but blamed it on the alcohol in the
wine. Eventually the heater cut off. Stevie mumbled to me, “Go
turn the heater back on!” Try as I might I couldn’t make the
heater fire back up. I then noticed the pilot light was no longer
lit. Some where in my oxygen deprived mind I remembered something
in the owner’s manual about a safety feature that shut the heater
down completely when there wasn’t enough free oxygen in the
room. This epiphany caused me to open one of the doors and let
some fresh air in. It is amazing how quickly we woke up when
we had some fresh air. Stevie did seem a might bit upset that
I had nearly suffocated us both but he quickly got over it when
I fed him more wine. We moved our festivities inside for the
remainder of the evening and learned not to crank the heat up
as high.
