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Recent Stories/Page2


Porn Redistribution Night
 
I am what some people would call a porn aficionado.  I had a huge collection at one point during my tenure at UT.  In fact my friends used to give me all of their old porn when they got tired of it.  Unfortunately I really had nowhere to store it all once the trunk of my car filled up.  I truly hated the thoughts of throwing away such a nice collection.  Then, O.J.,  my idea man at the time came up with something I can only call one of the most genius things ever, Porn Redistribution.
I started out by putting some porn in the stacks at the Hodges Library at UT.  I did it the right way by putting them in the category they fit into, for example I would place the Czechoslovakian porn in the section that contained Czechoslovakian history.  Hey I respect the Dewey Decimal system.
Unfortunately the shear volume of porn I had to redistribute was huge and I figured if I got caught UT would kick me out.  I loved college far to much to risk that.  O.J. proved himself a valuable asset once again when he decided that if I wasnít going to do it at UT the best alternative would be to roll them up like newspapers and throw them in people who look like they need more porn in their lives yards.  So for the next several weekends my friends and I would g out redistributing the love.  Iím pretty sure I gave joy to some of Campbell Countyís porn impaired citizens.
I have currently built up another collection to large for me to store.  Now that I have a convertible this should be a much easier process.

Carterís Possums
 
Iíll start this one with a little back story.  Carter is a friend that came into the group in between my tours of ETSU.  Carter has been described by many people as the most athletic overweight guy that they have ever seen.  He plays softball and hockey and is pretty good at both.  This story takes place when Carter first moved out of his parents house.
Carter had rented a trailer across from Campbell County High School .  It was a hovel at best.  But hey for Carter it was home.  We were happy as he was the first one of us to actually have a place in Campbell County that was free of adult supervision.  The former occupant of this hovel was a fellow by the name of Richard Gamble, or as we affectionately knew him Gambo.  One of the horrifying things we found about Carterís new shack was that it has a hole in the floor in the living room.  Carter being a lazy man like the rest of us dealt with it the easiest way possible, he moved his couch on top of it.  This was fine until one night when Carter heard a scurrying under the couch.  He removed it and, to his horror, found a family of possums living with him.  Now at the time Carter was liberal to the point of communism, he even had a fascination with the Soviets.  As we all know liberals are antigun, therefore Carter had no firearm to deal with the possums.  Then Carter realized he had his softball equipment in his bed room.  He went and got a bat and began herding the possums into a garbage can outside.  Only one escaped.  He then proceeded to beat the trapped possums to death with the bat.  The next morning after he got out of the shower the remaining possum ran at him.  It eventually suffered the same fate as the rest of its family.
As a post script to this story Carter has slimmed down, is now a tad more conservative, and has started drinking.  He will be featured more in some of the new stories Iím working on.

Crazy Dale returns
Iím sure some of you remember me talking about Dale the crazy neighbor of the LPV and Dancin Stevie.  Well when the LPV upgraded into a house we thought we had dealt with Dale and the Citizenís Security Patrol for the last time.  Boy we were wrong.
One Friday I was at the LPV waiting on Sean and Manwhore to get home so we could go to the Campbell County football game that night.  I looked out and did a double take.  That crazy bastard Dale had moved into the trailer behind the New LPV.  This psychotic freak had found us and was ready to continue his spying on us.  Iím sure we have given him plenty to talk about, especially on Superbowl Sunday when a Jacksboro cop pulled in our drive way.  Of course the irony of that is that he had just stopped by and wasnít there to bust us for anything.
I canít wait to see what this crazy old bastard does next.

The 2003 UT coaching clinic
Ah the days of football, I miss them for the most part.  Not enough to go back to it mind you, but I had some great adventures in my time as football coach.  By far the most memorable ones come from the University of Tennessee ís spring football coaching clinic.
In 2003 Sean, Travis (Seanís cousin and our offensive coordinator), and myself got a room at Knoxville ís downtown Marriott.  The Marriot was the host hotel for the clinicís coaches social so it seemed like a no-brainer that we needed to stay there.  Now I apparently have a remarkable way of staying in motels at the same times that religious conventions are going on, e.g. Big Kevís reunion and the NashVegas trip.  This time was no different as there was an Pentecostal Youth convention going on at the time.  More on this later.
Sean, Travis, and I checked in and went to meet the rest of the staff who werenít staying at with us at the clinics opening night.  The first night was uneventful but very informative as far as coaching goes.  We finished went to Hooters and  then went on to the motel to commence drinking.
Now a little background.  The year before one of the assistant coaches from Murfreesboro Riverdale, arguably the best 5A football team in Tennessee , changed shirts in between every class at the clinic.  We quickly dubbed him ďCool GuyĒ.  All of the Riverdale coaches were brash pricks.  I can say this because I have been accused of being a brash prick myself.  I decided that I would have some fun with Cool Guy this year and follow him around.  I packed enough shirts to change every time he did.  Unfortunately, much to Sean and Travisís horror, in my haste to pack shirts I forgot to pack clean underwear.  We were far to drunk to buy clean skivvies so I was stuck in the same undies all week.  Ironically I found out the next day that Cool Guy didnít even come to the clinic so I had no need for all the shirts.
After the clinic we moved back to the Marriot for the social.  The social includes all the beer you can drink, door prizes, and a chance to talk and network with all of the coaches, including the UT staff.  Well Iím a huge fan of free beer so I started drinking double fisted.  I was well on my way to getting shit housed when they started giving away door prizes.  Sean won the big prize that included a DVD player and the movie ďRemember the TitansĒ.  I was happy for Sean so I did my best Ric Flair impersonation when he won.  I was ďWHOOOingĒ and screaming ďNature BoyĒ at the top of my lungs.  Sean didnít seem to appreciate my enthusiasm and when he got back at the table he asked me if I had somewhere else to go.  The old brewery had just reopened so I figured I would walk To it.  After I left one of the coaches asked Sean if they were gonna cut me off.  Sean told the guy, ďI donít even know him.  He just sat down with us.Ē
Well I had set out to the brewery which was much farther away that I had realized.  I finally arrived at the brewery and got more to eat and drink.  My dear friend Sean OíNeil was kind enough to drive me back to the Marriott.  This was a good thing because as drunk as I was when I left i was far worse when I got back.  I actually dressed in my wrestling tights and feather boa and went  down stairs to chase some Pentecostal poontang around.  Sean was horrified beyond belief by this but also saw the logic in trying to get some young religious honeys  up for some action.  He kept telling them his name was Rodney, our friend the Manwhore.  Sadly we didnít impress the young sweeties that evening.  Thatís probably for the best because at this point the underwear I had been wearing for four days had a 3 inch racing stripe on the back and could have walked off on its own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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