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Recent Stories


1 Big Kev's Class Reunion


This all started a couple of months ago. One night I was with Big Kev (Kevin Petrey) and he said, "I have a great idea". This of course intrigued me. He told me that his class reunion was coming up and that he wanted to give the gift that keeps on giving to his classmates. That's right, he wanted to give them the gift of Pat. He had already arranged a date for me to go to his reunion with me so that I would have a legit reason to go.
Well reunion time arrived. Our first stop of course was to the closest liquor store; after all I'm way more fun after a little Jagermeister. We then moved on to the hotel that Kev so thoughtfully selected for us, it was in staggering distance of the reunion site. The best treat came when we went to check in though, they had screwed up our reservations. I know you are asking yourselves, "How is that a treat?" It was a treat because the hotel was overbooked due to a United Methodist Youth Rally next door at the Convention Center. Yes that's right, an extremely drunken Pat wandering seminude and wearing a feather boa down the halls of a motel offending all the little religious boys and girls. Well we got checked in and Big Kev groomed me as I tore in to the tequila and Jager.
It was now time to head to the reunion itself. It was being held at the Foundry on the old World's Fair site. On an interesting side note, during the 1982 Worlds Fair the Foundry was know as the Stroh's House, A German Beer Hall. During one particularly drunken night at the fair my father got up on the table and kept demanding the band play Freebird; He was promptly ejected from the establishment. I knew then that I had big shoes to fill that night. When we arrived the reunion committee greeted us but seemed a little horrified that I was attending their reunion. I went in and found both Chuck Kohlmeyer and the bar. I put away $160 worth of alcohol by the end of the night. I don't think I was as offensive to everybody as Kev had hoped but he seemed to enjoy my drunken exploits.
I do have to give Shannon Farmer credit. She put on a class reunion that blew away all of the others that I have attended, yes I regularly attend other people's reunions. She also looked great doing it. I may have to head to Johnson City to find her

 

2 Karaoke Night at Sugar Hollow

The day started out as your average day on Norris Lake. I joined Derrick on his boat along with Weaver, Carter, O.J., Dave-Hom, Ash, and Derrick's girlfriend Meredith. It was to be a fun filled day of boating, drinking, and recreational pharmaceuticals.
Early on in the day Meredith wanted the Weav to rub sun block on her. Weav didn't seem thrilled by this prospect and without Meredith's knowledge subcontracted this task to me. For some reason Meredith objected when I crammed my hand down her bathing suit, I have no idea why.
The day was going fairly well and I'm pretty sure everybody was feeling a bit tipsy. Finally Derrick decided it was time to eat. There are several fine choices to eat on Norris Lake but we decided on Sugar Hollow Marina because they have beer by the pitcher and prime rib. They also have Karaoke. After our food and several pitchers of beer we decided it would be a good idea to sing. Bear in mind this is a Saturday night on the most popular lake in Tennessee and the marina was packed. We were karaoking for some time when Ash requested the song Total Eclipse of the Heart. If you haven't seen the movie "Old School" go watch it now. Ok I see that those of you that don't realize the genius that is Will Ferrell are back. Any way Ash sung the version from the movie where the wedding singer drops the F-bomb about every third line of the song. Needless to say the owner of the dock was not thrilled and politely asked us to leave. We did and I mooned the crowd as we sped out of the no-wake zone. I have a feeling that song has been removed from the karaoke list.

#3 Summer Slam

If you have read my website any at all you know that I'm a huge wrestling fan. We get together every Monday for Raw and for every pay-per-view at Little Powell Valley (the LPV). The LPV is the home here in Jacksboro of some of my friends from Powell Valley and Dancin' Stevie dubbed it the LPV.
Well last Sunday it was time for SummerSlam, the WWE's second biggest event of the year. We settled in to watch it and decided to have a few beers. At one point I looked at Rodney, my friend who is also a manwhore, and said I'm feeling it tonight. By that I meant it was time for me to start drinking the scotch. I poured myself a glass of 80 proof Clan McGregor and began sipping it. During a break in the action I joined Sean and Jason on the balcony where they were grilling. Sean thought it would be a good idea for me to chug the scotch. I of course was happy to do this for him.
A short while and another glass of scotch later I got hot. I took my shirt off which is pretty common when I'm drunk. Unfortunately for the others I was still hot so off came the shorts. The guys all seemed fairly shocked by this but it wasn't that bad for them since I still had my tighty-whiteys on. That lasted all of about five minutes. That's right fans I was naked on the couch.
At this point everybody else quit drinking and sobered up quick. The horror of a naked Pat was a bit much for them. Unfortunately for my friends it gets worse. I had to pee so I went out on the balcony buck-naked and let it fly. They told me not to do that again so I went to the bathroom the next time I had to go. While I was in the bathroom I found a unicorn's horn, OK it was a plunger, and a attached it to my head. This seemed to upset Sean and Bo even further and they demanded I remove my new toy. I threw it on Sean's bed. I also called the former love of my life, Melissa Boshears or whatever her last name is this week, and professed my undying love to her despite the fact that she married a scumbag, has kids, and has put on several pounds. I'm still waiting to hear from her.
I felt really bad the next day so I went and bought a cactus, some cookies, and an 18 pack of Miller Lite for Sean and Bo. I'm currently on probation at the LPV.

#4 William Blount


One of my many talents is that I'm a football coach at Jacksboro Middle School. We recently played a game against William Blount Middle School, losing a tough 24-14 decision. After the game we went back to the LPV to watch the game (I'm still not allowed to drink there). My dear brother-in-law, who we will call "Cheech", filmed the game for us and my Father did the play-by-play. As the game progressed it became obvious to me that Cheech had lived up to his namesake. We got all manner of weird angles- sideway views, views of the inside of the press box, a shot of our other cameraman's back. It was like watching "Fear and Loathing in Jacksboro". Not to be outdone my father managed to drop the depth chart out of the press box during the game and managed to curse for our TV broadcast. Well it's never easy to lose but at least my stupid relatives made it funny for us.

5 Luke Nairs Pat


Well on Friday I was still steaming from the loss to Willy Blount so I decided to swim all day. As I was eating lunch Luke showed up. We were swimming and discussing how hot it was at the game Thursday night. That was when I decided that I stayed hot all the time because I'm essentially wearing a fur coat. Much like everything else in my life I decided that I would use a chemical remedy. So I broke out the Nair. Things were going pretty well when I realized I couldn't reach my back. So I looked at Luke and said, "well it looks like you are going to have to get my back." The poor boy looked horrified. After a little convincing he agreed to help me with my back fur problem. I wonder what the neighbors thought when they looked out and saw a big redhead putting lotion on me and then hosing it off with a high pressure water hose? Oh well I'm sure they are used to the strange things that go on at my place by now.

6 Labor Day Football Practice



Well my fellow coaches and I made a brilliant decision to have football practice on Labor Day. It is one thing to try this on the high school level where most of your players can drive, but on the middle school level it is just asking to have less than half of your team show up. Even though we had only 15 players show up the practice was a moderate success. We really had to improvise when we went team. Only half of the starting line was there so we went half line, a standard football technique for a team that has few players there. So we had our half line, starting QB and a good solid backfield and receiving corps in. Then I had to put together a scout team defense. We had a 7th grader, all 4'10", of him trying to play nose guard against the biggest guy on the team. It was funny in a sad and pathetic sort of way. I can only hope my trip to Boomsday goes better than this.

7 Boomsday



Ok I have finished my Labor Day football practice and have relaxed in my pool for a few hours. It is now time for me and my friend Manwhore to go to an annual event that is held on the Knoxville Riverfront, Boomsday. For those of you that do not live in this area Boomsday is an annual fireworks show that is considered the biggest in the South.
We went to Outback Steakhouse to meet one of the manwhore's many lady friends. Unfortunately this particular lady friend has a buddy named Mac. Mac is a 20-year-old crackwhore that looks like she is all of 12. Nobody can stand to be around her yet Amber insists on bringing her everywhere she goes. To make matters worse they brought Mac's crack-dealer boyfriend with them.
They showed up at Outback about 20 minutes after the fireworks started. At this point Manwhore is a bit mad but I'm mad to the point I can't even see straight. I yelled at them in the parking lot much to the chagrin of everyone in the sound of my voice. Manwhore was so mad he sent a sure thing away.
We decided that there was only one way to salvage the evening, a trip to the Katch, a local "gentleman's club". My anger subsided the second we walked in to a room full of naked women. I think I fell in love with the one named Pixie. A short beautiful girl that I have known since she was in 6th grade. She sat with us and did not once try to get any money from us, so she must have enjoyed our company. I'll keep you posted fans, I've always wanted to date a stripper.


8 The Day Before the Clinton Game


Our Wednesday football practice is walk through day. We go out in helmets and shorts and go over the basics stuff before we play on Thursday nights. Unfortunately this leaves our JV players with nothing to do but ask me questions. These kids want to know everything about me including my love life. My past love life is pretty interesting but currently it isn't much to talk about. Most of them are in awe that I dated Melissa, who they think is extremely hot. If they only knew what an evil creature she truly is.
They have also noticed that I was recently de-haired (see entry #5). One of the little chuckleheads asked me the question of the year, "Coach Pebley, do you have pubes?" This question shocked me to the point that I couldn't answer it. So I did the only thing I could. I grabbed the kid and laid in to his pressure points. It's a great way to punish them; no matter how hard you put pressure on them they will not bruise. I hope the Clinton game goes better than last week's debacle against William Blount.

9 The Clinton Game


Well Thursday rolled around again and we traveled down to Clinton for our game. I rode the JV bus down since I also coordinate the JV defense. The trip down was pretty uneventful.
Things went well early as the JV won their game easily. It was now time for varsity action. I though that since the JV did so well the varsity would have no trouble handling the Hawks of Clinton. Boy I couldn't have been more wrong. It was like watching drunken circus midgets with Tourette's Syndrome play football. We wound up losing the game 29-6.
You would think the story would end there but it gets better. We stop at a local McDonalds to get a post game meal. The Farragut High School girl's volleyball team was there eating as well, I know what I want to coach next. Anyway back to the story, the kids suffered a crushing defeat so you would think they would be very subdued. Oh hell no, it was more like they had just won the Superbowl. Calling them drunken circus midgets with Tourette's Syndrome seems pretty unfair to drunken circus midgets with Tourette's Syndrome everywhere all of a sudden. At one point our so-called team captains were throwing drinks on everybody and they acted like they were starving Ethiopians when it came time to order. I shudder at the thoughts of how they will act if they win another game.

10 The Post Clinton Game Film Day


At the Middle School level we play our games on Thursday nights and on Fridays we watch the film. I think my father finally figured out that Cheech needs a tripod to film with so that we don't get more shots of the trees. Well as you read in the previous entry, there were almost no highlights in this game so film day was very depressing. But don't worry fans I'm not here to pull you down in to my post-loss hell; I'm here to entertain you. After practice most of the kids had left except for two of our captains and a 6th grader. Sean, Luke, and I were sitting outside stewing over the loss when we heard a commotion inside. We all looked at each other like, "man I don't want to deal with their crap right now, but somebody go find out". Luke being the most rational of the three of us at this point went in to see what was going on. One of the so-called captains was chasing around the 6th grader with a belt yelling, "don't run from your daddy!" I shudder to think what next weeks practice will be like.

11 The CCHS/Jefferson County Game


After film day it was time for some exciting high school football. I always go out to support the Campbell County Cougars despite the fact that in the school's 20-plus year history that the team has never been better than 4-6. Right now the Cougars have a very talented team that has the disadvantage of being undermanned in the world of 5A football.
But that isn't where the fun at the game really is. CCHS is also home of some of the most beautiful females that have ever attended a football game. Tonight was the annual toga night for the student body. Having that many hot young girls in one place shouldn't be legal. This was nice but then I saw one particular girl, Kristen, who is not only unbelievably gorgeous, but was wearing a toga that was more like a bikini. She was by far the hottest toga wearer there. Apparently at some point somebody was giving her a hard time about the lack of fabric covering her. Anyway I thought her little group of friends, all of who are as pretty as she is were going to fight. Alas the fight did not break out. That's too bad I could use some female toga wearing wrestlers for SECW.
For those of you curious about the score it was Jeff County 34 CCHS

12 Taking Care of John and Amy's Pets


When my friends John and Amy go out of town I am usually given several responsibilities. I sometimes watch their gym, Exercise Elite, for them. I am also the person they get to feed and water their pets. They have three dogs, two cats, and a hamster. Yes I know I have had some hamster issues in the past (see ETSU memoir "Mike the Human Q-tip"), but I really like these people so I do what I can to keep their pets alive. Recently they made a small weekend trip and I assumed my duties. Well this time I had to stay and entertain Pepe, their shitzu, because it seemed a bit starved for attention. I was getting ready to leave when one of their cats came in to the room and well let's just say it assumed the position. At this point Pepe attempts to mount said cat and mate with it. This was some sort of strange animal porn if there was ever strange animal porn. Of course I left so they could do their deed. I wonder what those children would look like.

13 the 9-6 SECW Show


Now that summer is starting to wind down it is getting to be the time we begin wrestling again. Wrestling is much more of a fall and winter sport when it is done on the independent scene. Well on this particular show we let a church group sell refreshments as a fundraiser. One of the church members et up a souvenir stand. He was also selling knives and swords. For those of you that have never attended an independent wrestling show any where in the south, having knives and swords readily available to these fans is a scary thought. Mercifully the evening went by with no stabbings.
In the back I was telling everybody who was wrestling whom before the show. One of our matches featured Jay, a talented up and comer, against Dr. Death Mike Powers, a veteran who really likes to chop people. Jay just looked at me and said, "you are putting me in the ring with a guy named Dr. Death?" I assured Jay that it was ok and that Mike had never killed anybody in the ring. That match went fairly well though both Jay and myself did leave wearing Mike's handprints on our chests.
After the show Luke and I took a trip to our usual post-wrestling eatery, Waffle House. For you non-southerners out there the Waffle House is a 24-7 greasy spoon franchise. The food is ok if you are drunk or it is so late you have no alternate place to eat. Well Luke saw a sign as we went in for the managers special. I don't remember what it was but it was a lot of food for a fairly cheap price. Well the waitress told us the manager had quit and that the special was no longer valid. Luke started to argue the point but realized that night shift help at the Waffle House has an IQ only slightly higher than the number of teeth they have. So we got our food and ate. Normally if you want a good tip as a server it stands to reason that you give good service. This concept was lost on our waitress and she gave us dirty looks as we were leaving when she realized her tip was sub par. Ah if only everybody that I deal with could be as smart as me.

14 The Wednesday Practice Before Jefferson Comes to Town


As Regular readers know, Wednesday practice is almost always good for a laugh or two. This week was no exception. Johnny Bruce made his return to the football field this week so I was worried that the little chuckleheads would actually behave. Boy was I wrong.
Coach Bruce set up a defense holding tackling dummies for our offense too see their blocking assignments. Well he put the same kid that asked me about my pubes (see  #8) at one of the defensive tackle spots. It wasn't long before this kid was using the tackling dummy (which is slightly bigger than he is) like it is some sort of monster dick. A little later Luke and I looked over to see that several of the kids were humping their dummies. Obviously pube boy was the catalyst for all of this because when I took him off the field the others calmed down at once.
Later while I was going over defense I saw that Luke had pube boy and two others running laps. I didn't ask what they did because the dummy humping was enough for me.

15 Oak Ridge Jefferson Comes to Town


Thursday means game day. That hasn't been very exciting on the varsity level for the last two weeks. We made some changes for when Jefferson came to town though. The JV started out the evening with a bang beating Jefferson's B squad 6-0. The varsity is finally back to playing form and won 26-6. Wait, you say this isn't exciting and funny but it really is.
During the game I spent the evening on the headset with Johnny Bruce. For those of you unfamiliar with Jacksboro football Johnny Bruce is pretty much a living legend. He had only one losing season his entire time at Jacksboro. What people don't realize is that he is completely nuts during football games. He screamed at me every time something on the field didn't go to suit him and half of the time when things did go well. I call the defensive plays so it stands to reason I have very little to do with the offense or special teams. When we were on offense Coach Bruce would scream things that he wanted Sean to do. If he really wanted to yell at Sean so bad he could have just taken Greg's headset but apparently he takes a great pleasure of yelling at me. Of course I put up with it because he was my football coach and is actually more like family to me than my mother is. He also happens to be a great amateur wrestler who has put a hurting on me several times so I do give him a little more of a wide berth than I give most people.
After the game Manwhore, Luke, and myself went to Charlie's, a local Pizzeria. It is amazing to me how well behaved the kids were. I don't get them. They are subdued after a win but they are absolute animals after a loss. Well hopefully next week will be more of the same.

16 Cheech comes for a visit……..sort of



I've mentioned my brother-in-law Cheech on here before. Well I can't say I like him, hell I barely tolerate him. I'm going to give you some examples of why he is such an unbearable creature. Firstly he married my sister, and that is a tale I will recount in a new section I will be adding soon Reflections of a Pat, and that was bad enough. I'm not my sister's biggest fan either but she is fairly tolerable. Secondly if you don't get what his name implies please go rent any of the Cheech and Chong movies. Well things got much worse when they moved out the road form me. They don't have a car and Cheech doesn't even have a driver's license, so they are constantly borrowing my grandmother's vehicle. He hasn't held down a job more than 6 months since they have been married. But most importantly they bug the living hell out of me. Today Luke came by for his Friday visit; I think he is hoping to Nair me again soon or he at least was wanting some food which my grandmother throws at everybody who comes in whether or not they are actually hungry. We look out the window and there is Cheech wandering by. Well we figured if the little bastard needed anything he would come see us. Nope, he just walked in to the house grabbed a freaking handful of bread and a Mountain Dew and left. I really wish hunting people with a low IQ was legal. I'd have his head mounted on my wall by now.

Pat Blog #17 The CCHS/Clinton Game


Friday night, after Luke left, Manwhore, Jason, and I went to the CCHS/Clinton game. It was a fun little road trip even though I am pretty sure our need for speed horrified Jason. The game was going fairly well for the Cougars for a nice change of pace. At one point I looked up in to the stands and a drunken high school student was puking his guts out. I was just happy he wasn't puking on me. As the game progressed this poor kid was looking worse and worse. I found one of his friends and asked if he was going to be OK. He said no that the drunk in question was in pretty bad shape and that his mom would kill him if she found out. Having been in this situation before I offered my services to get him out without getting him in any trouble. The biggest problem was the three principals from CCHS that were standing exactly where we needed to be. By the midpoint of the third quarter it was obvious that CCHS was going to win this game. We decided that the easiest way to get him out would be for a small group of us to smuggle him out while everybody else rushed the field in celebration. CCHS won and we went to sneak out the drunk in question. It was a very "Weekend at Bernie's" type moment since a person had to get on each side and basically move his limbs for him. We managed to get him out and I'm told his mother is none the wiser.
I guess that was my good deed for the month. I can go back to being an evil genius now.

18 The Jefferson Film


I got together with Sean to watch the film of the Jacksboro/Jefferson game at the LPV (yes I'm still on probation there). The camera work was Cheech at his finest. Not only did we get the standard shots of the trees and other scenery but apparently he accidentally turned the camera on about 30 minutes before the game and left it sitting down. Yep, we got a 30-minute long shot of the wall. Nobody knew the camera was on and at one point somebody asked my father if he needed anything. He replied, "yeah a couple of beers. No wait, make it a six pack."  During the game something was wrong with his microphone so we got no commentary. I can't wait to see this one aired on local TV.

19 Manwhore's Birthday


Saturday night was my dear friend Manwhore's birthday. We weren't sure what we were going to do so we decided to give a few of his women a call. Unfortunately it seems that none of them were home. We were sort of at a loss for what to do so we drove to Caryville and decided we would call some of his other lady-friends. We were sitting in a parking lot waiting on the one we will call "Bo" to call us back we saw a person staggering down the road. Now when I say this person was staggering I mean it was so bad we didn't know if he was drunk or disabled. As we were debating this he collapsed in to the road. We were at a loss and decided there was only one thing to do, we called 911 and waited hoping that the local cops would rough this guy up some. Well the drunk in question managed to drag himself out of the road and in to a ditch. About 15 minutes later the cops finally arrived. This poor bastard was so drunk the cop had to basically carry him to the car. It was like having our own little reality TV show.

20 Monday Football practice/Pube Boy Strikes Back


It's Monday and we are preparing for a big region game against the Baby Mavs of Anderson County. This is a huge district game for us. On Monday we work on our offense and it is my job to put a scout team defense together. I'm lucky enough to have a pretty talented defensive scout team that actually includes four of my starters that have a back up role on the offense. Unfortunately the kid who asked me about my pubes is also one of my scout team. This kid is in 8th grade and should actually be a freshman in high school. He weighs 80 pounds soaking wet and isn't even good enough to start on our JV team. After a while I decide to put one of our 6th graders at free safety, pube boy's position. This doesn't sit well with pube boy and he proceeds to talk smack about this kid every play, it is so loud I can hear his shrill girl-like voice from where he is sitting on the sideline. Now I want you to bear in mind that this kid we have in is a tiny 6th grader but he has as much or more heart than anybody on our team and he never complains or questions anything.  Well I decide that Pube boy isn't coming back on the field this day and from now on I think he will play at linebacker so that some of my bigger players can beat on him.

21 Sir Dumb of Ass


Once again it is time for our weekly Wednesday ritual, the pregame walkthrough. As always hijinks happened when we have a very bored JV squad. Before practice Pube Boy and some of the others were out throwing a football. I know what you must be thinking, How is this unusual at football practice? It isn't and I wouldn't have thought anything else about it until I heard Pube Boy's shrill girl-like voice squealing, " I hate you! You can throw the ball farther than I can so I'm not gonna be your friend any more!" That statement made Luke want to go get his kendo shinai and knight Pube Boy the new Sir Dumb of Ass.

22 Day of the AC Game


Thursday has arrived and it is time for our big district match-up with rivals Anderson County. I arrived at the field house and things seemed like they were going to be a normal day. Once again my players were able to prove me wrong.
Two of our captains and Pube Boy came in to the field house from the school itself carrying rolls of toilet paper. We knew this wasn't a good sign. Travis called in the captains and asked them if they had been toilet papering the school. The ringleader, who we will now call Daddy due to the events after the Clinton game (see  #10), said they were just getting toilet paper for the field house since we were out. Daddy always makes his actions seem charitable to everybody in hopes that he won't get in trouble. They all denied any wrong doing in the school. Travis tells them if they did do anything that this was their chance to clean it up with no questions asked. They still denied that they had done anything bad. Finally Daddy said, "we'll go check just to make sure we didn't drop any."  These guys must think we are incredibly stupid or something. They were "making sure they didn't drop anything" for nearly 30 minutes. It isn't like I make a secret of the fact that I do things similar and much worse sometimes. I'm pretty sure when these guys get older I will have to recruit Daddy for some of my plots.

 

23 CCHS vs. South-Doyle


The Cougars of Campbell County had another impressive victory. A few of the students weren't so lucky when they were busted for drinking at the game. What a bunch of amateurs. I may have to start teaching a class called "How to Party and Get Away with It". I'm pretty sure that my vast experience could aid these youngsters in their quests to become more Pat-like.
After the game, Manwhore and I went to the Downtown Pub and Brewery. We ran in to the Weav, Ash, and my attorney Keith "Dr. Gonzo" Hatfield. It was the first time Manwhore has met any of my Knoxville friends and I can say they left quite an impression on him. At one point Dr. Gonzo became upset when he found out that Manwhore was in no way related to Randy Orton. I don't really know why he thought that, he must have had some ether or something that night. It was a fun evening and Gonzo picked up the tab. It's good to have a lawyer, and by lawyer I mean a shady individual who passed the bar exam, that is willing to deduct his drunken evenings as a business expense.

24 Luke's Sandwich


I guess I need to give you a little background on this one. Every Wednesday night before
Home games we have to paint the football field. This is a long process and we usually go get something to eat. This week Luke bought some ham sandwiches from the deli at the local Food City. There were four and he ate three. The remaining sandwich was put in the fridge at the field house and forgotten about.
Fast-forward six days. We are preparing for our first round playoff game against Oak Ridge Robertsville. After practice one of our 7th graders comes up to me and says, "Coach Pebley I know what happened to your sandwich." I had no clue what he was talking about so I ignored him. He kept telling me the same thing until I grew curious. I said what sandwich are you talking about. He told me that our starting tight end had eaten it. I was horrified that one of our starters had consumed food that was a week old and wasn't exactly the freshest when we first bought it. Sure enough I found the crumbs and a piece of slimy ham near the tight end in questions locker. I expect him to fall over from some strange food poisoning during the game.
IT NEVER ENDS.

25 The UT vs. Auburn Game


My friends and I are all huge football fans or at least the ones that aren't use football as an excuse to get together and party. On the day UT played Auburn Luke, Manwhore, and I also had a wrestling show at Jacksboro's Fall Festival. After the show we headed to the LPV. To our horror nobody was home. Manwhore called Sean and he said that he was on the way to watch the game elsewhere. So I did the only honorable thing, I broke in to the LPV. That's right fans another one of my many talents is I am a locksmith. Well we figured we brought our own beer and since we weren't taking their stuff that nobody would mind. All was fine and we didn't expect Sean to be sober enough to drive after the game. We were about 10 minutes away from leaving when Sean got home. He was shocked we were there to say the least. I really think if he weren't on "happy medicine" that he would have went all Vesuvius on us. We tried for a while to convince him he left his door unlocked to no avail. Well he got over it but I had to promise him I would never break in again.

26 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

After Jason and I finished the sports section for the Times this week we decided to go see a movie to unwind. The remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was playing in town so it seemed to be the way to go. Dancin' Stevie even decided to join us. Who could resist Jessica Biel running around in a tank top soaking wet with blood and water. When we got there we were shocked at all the people who had small children to see an R rated movie that was obviously going to be gory. We counted about 10 kids under the age of 12 there including an infant. Of course this movie was a gore fest. I'm sure some of these kids will need therapy. I think their parents need beatings.


27 Pat Returns to ETSU!!!


Friday night the Cougars traveled to Kingsport to take on the D-B Indians. I went with my father to tape the game. Of course Manwhore went to do the radio play-by-play and Jason went to take pictures for the Times. My father Edward and Jason were originally going to come back that night while Manwhore and I stayed at ETSU. After a little convincing Jason called his wife and told her he was staying to (if all wives were as understanding as her I wouldn't be accused of ruining so many relationships). Well the trip up was an adventure since my father and Edward were following us and nobody was really sure where we were going. At one Jason ended up on the wrong side of some barrels indicating roadwork. My father of course got in behind us on the wrong side and to our surprise so did other cars. I'm sure TDOT would have been thrilled with us.
When we got to the Kingsport exit we decided to stop and ask for directions since press box space is at a premium and we had a lot of equipment.  We sent Manwhore in, he immediately found the hottest young female in the place and asked for directions (I'm pretty sure he invited her to go with us too). We found the campus of D-B fairly easily and went to the first entrance. Some guy, who was obviously a Tard, stopped us at the entrance and insisted we couldn't go in there. It would have been no big deal if this bastard would have been nice about it, but he was a true asshole. I'm a big guy and if you are an old man who is also a freaking retard you should be nice to me. Well we found the normal people's entrance and the folks were very accommodating to us sending everybody where they needed to go. Things got bad when we went to the press box. The stadium at D-B is very nice but the press box is awful. It is old and hasn't been renovated in years; to make matters worse the old asshole that was in charge of the press box didn't want to let us in. Well we finally did get in and filmed the game. During the game a bunch of hot chicks called Manwhore's cell phone and wondered what we were doing that night, too bad we were in Kingsport and Johnson City for the evening. Oh well I guess the little hotties from Campbell County will have to wait until Saturday night.
After we left the game it was time to go to the place that I truly love Johnson City and more importantly ETSU. We had a nice late supper at Applebee's and went to a little bar and grill named Poor Richards. I took the guys and showed them where all of my ETSU adventures took place. It was a great trip but it got really interesting on the way home.
Manwhore got a call on his cell phone form Hope and Rebecca. I know you are thinking that it is not unusual for girls to call the Whorephone but these two are special. I can only describe Hope as Manwhore's own personal Melissa, the one girl that even though she has made him miserable in the past that he will drop any and everything for. Stay tuned for that story.

29 Cart Surfing at Wally World



Wednesday night after the SECW talk show Luke and I went to out local Wally World. This is nothing special but sometimes I do get a few gems at Wally World, this is one of them. This week I witnessed something that was pretty funny. A bunch of dumb ass kids, not to be confused with Sir dumb of Ass, were riding in shopping carts in the lower part of the parking lot. They were sitting in the buggy part and their friends were just pushing them down the hill. Unfortunately a bloodbath did not happen. Ah the joys of living in Campbell County.

30   Grandma's Carpal Tunnel and our Crazy Neighbor


I guess I should start this one by explaining our neighbor to all of you.  Every neighborhood has that one person who watches every thing that is going on and reports it to the other neighbors whether or not they want to hear it.  Well we have one that takes it even further.  She is an avid reader of the Weekly World News and actually takes it as the truth.  She also is a "medical expert" and a religious zealot.  That is where our story comes starts.  My grandmother was recently diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome in one of her wrists.  CTS can be spotted by looking for a knot on the soft underside of the wrist.  Our neighbor told her she should lay her wrist down on the table and let me use a Bible to bust the knot up and that would cure her CTS.  I was horrified by this on several levels not the least of which was the fear of injuring my grandmother.  Oh and I can't think of any good that can come of using the Bible to hit people with no matter what the purpose was.  We sent our neighbor on her way.  I can't make this stuff up.

31 Manwhore's Misery


This is really about a three-part story so try to follow along.  First off I need to explain my friend Rodney the Manwhore.  Rodney is perceived by many people around here to be a bad guy.  He isn't.  Rodney just happens to be the object of affection for many hot young ladies.  This makes him a bad guy in the minds of people who aren't would like to be said object of affection.  He actually treats the ladies good if he likes them, but all the haters out there can't seem to see that.
On to the second part where our story really begins.  Friday night was our annual football awards banquet at Jacksboro.  The evening was remarkably uneventful considering the hijinks of the previous football season.  The only highlight really was Daddy (of Pat Blog # 10 fame) trying to fondle Luke's breast, it was truly disturbing especially to poor Luke.  After it was over I decided to go to Wally World before I went home.  It was there that I ran in to Manwhore.  We made the rounds and eventually heard from two of his lady friends.  We were going to take them to our soon to be opened frat house to show them around.  On the way up the Whorephone rang.  It was a girl he worked with that happens to be very hot.  She was terrified because her stalker was chasing her.  We abandoned the others to go play hero.  This lunatic chased her to one of the motels in Caryville.  He realized what a bad move this was when the Whoremobile pulled in next to him and I jumped out followed by Manwhore and a steel pipe.  I've never seen an SUV move that fast in reverse.
Cut to part three about five days late at the LPV.  Manwhore has been sitting around waiting on the girl we saved to come up.  She calls and is kind of mumbling and then hangs up.  He calls her back and the choad that was stalking her answers.  He told Manwhore, "Candice and I are back together now and she doesn't want you to call her anymore.  But hey we're cool though!"  I'm pretty sure that this psycho was forcing her to say this.  I sort of hope so because if it is true I'll break both his arms so that he will have to get somebody to wipe his ass every time he takes a shit.  Things like this make me extremely angry and much like Bruce Banner he won't like me when I'm angry.  If it is her choice though it will just reaffirm my belief that all chicks are weird.

32 Our Meth Dealership


Recently I learned we were dealing drugs to the local skaters out of the LPV.  I was shocked, along with all of the other LPV regulars to learn this.  The LPV is across the street from Dale's.  Dale is a crazy old guy who heads up a group called the Citizen's Security Patrol.  Of course he heads it up because he is the founder and only member.  This old freak goes out and "patrols" the streets of Campbell County.  Most of the local police officers are less than thrilled with the help this nut job provides.  He even ran for constable in our district a few years ago.  He got five votes.  Recently he told Sean and Bo's neighbor Mr. Michael Bearer that he knew we were dealing drugs out of the apartments and that was where all of the skaters were getting their drugs.
This is a preposterous theory for a few reasons.  Most obviously we do not deal drugs.  Also there is the fact that we really aren't very fond of the skaters because they are a large pain in the butt and we would never do anything to make them hang around more.  This theory of our drug dealing is caused by the fact we party at the LPV between one and three times a week.  I can't wait til this crazy old bastard confronts a real criminal.  I hope they will let me write his obituary.

 



33 Stevie's Green Steak

Friday night after Thanksgiving I joined Big Kev at Dancin' Stevie's place for a fun filled evening of post Thanksgiving bloating. As we were trying to figure out what to do Kev's sister Jill calls us and wants us to join her and their mother at Shoney's for a bite to eat. We did see my dear brother in law Cheech who was complaining that he had to walk home in the cold from Shoney's even though it is like a five-minute walk. I guess he was expecting one of us to offer him one. It was fairly uneventful when we got there even though Kev's mother ordered her steak extra well done, which is like eating a hockey puck. Things got interesting when the food arrived. Stevie was trimming the fat off his steak when he made the statement, "Does this look green to you guys?" Kev grabbed the fat and ate it so we didn't get to investigate further. Then Stevie flipped his steak over and saw that most of the underside was green. So like any normal people we caused a scene. The manager came out and assured us that it was the stamp they used to certify the beef. Of course I'm sure it was certified grade F, meaning old circus animal meat. Stevie, probably feeling bad for the scene we caused in his behalf, ate the green steak.

34 Nashvegas day one


I want to start this one with an apology to my fans.  I have been in a rut this winter and haven't been writing much lately.  Well with spring now dawning it is time for some more Patblogs.  Now that that's out of the way on to our adventure.
This one started in late January when Manwhore found out the bands Linkin Park, POD, Hoobastank, and Story of the Year.  It seemed like it would be a fun show and I hadn't been in a good mosh pit in sometime and I needed to mosh my frustrations away.  The concert was to be on February 29th so we began planning.
The weekend arrived and Manwhore, Sean, myself and a young sweetie named Laura Brown headed to our state capital, lovely Nashville, TN.  The day began eventfully as I broke in to a bottle of wine with lunch and some vodka at the LPV while we waited on Sean.  Well then we were off.  We stopped at a package store on the way and got some Jagermeister, Crown, and Dickle.  Well I passed out about Kingston and didn't wake up til we got near Lebanon, Tennessee not the country.  We stopped by a gas station that was ran ironically enough by some actual Lebanese.  They pissed me off by speaking in their devil's tongue so I did the honorable thing and urinated all over the floor in their bathroom.
Well we got to Nashvegas itself and headed towards our motel. On the way we saw a guy flipping somebody off, he saw me looking at him and immediately tried to assure me he wasn't flipping us the bird.  We got checked in to our motel that was mercifully well within staggering distance of everything downtown.  It was about 5 PM Nashville time so we got checked in and began drinking.  I polished off most of the Jagermeister and the others started on the beer.  When it got to be near suppertime we sat out for some food.  We went all over downtown and finally settled on the local Hard Rock Caf.  Supper went without much incident.  On the way back we saw the variety of street musicians that are common in Nashville, we saw a man who was desperately trying to be the fat guy from Blues Traveler and a man in a chicken suit playing drums.  We also saw an old black woman pretending to be homeless and trying to get everybody to purchase her some booze, Ok maybe she was a real street person wanting booze.
We got back to the room and began drinking more since Laura is only 19 and can't get in to any of the good clubs in Nashville.  I changed in to my wrestling tights and feather boa of course and pranced about the motel.  A drunk Pat and religion seem to go together as we found out there was a choir directors conference also at the Holiday Inn downtown, more on that in day two.
We learned that even though the clubs in Nashville are all 21 and up the Gentleman's clubs are only 18 and up.  So we began searching for a place to get boobs in the face.  We couldn't find them in the phone book, go figure they aren't listed as tittie bars in the yellow pages.  Manwhore called the front desk and asked where the good "adult" clubs were located.  The front desk person asked him what kind of music he was looking for, obviously not getting the "adult" reference.  Manwhore said, "well I mainly want to see some breasts."  The desk minion wasn't very helpful so we just got the phone book and started calling nightclubs.  Sean asked at one point. "Hey is this a tittie bar?"  That finally got us a location so we had the front desk call us a cab.

 35 Chattanooga Cheerleading

  One of the great parts of my job is that I get to report on cheerleading competitions.  This is sort of like a free working vacation for me.  This time I took Cody Kitts with me.  Cody is recently single so the prospect of a cheerleading competition appealed to him greatly.  With the competition being in Chattanooga we decided to stay with Joe and Christie. I picked Cody up at his place around 5:30 and assured his family that he was in good hands and that this was a more business than pleasure weekend. On the way to Chattanooga I learned that the previous night had been very bad for Cody.  Our friend Chris Demott had made some special brownies.  Apparently these brownies had a bit of a strong reaction with poor Cody and he was recovering.  The trip down was otherwise uneventful and we arrived at the Muse homestead before either Joe or Christie arrived home.  We tried in vain to find some female company since apparently they were all taking advantage of the indoor pool at the motel they were staying in. The next morning Cody and I get up and got ready for the competition.  We decided to skip the early events and go to IHOP for breakfast.  My boss called while we were waiting to be seated and told us the press passes were at the front desk of the motel she was staying in.  The trip to the motel was quite eventful to say the least.  At one point we ended up in, shall we say, one of the more colorful areas of Chattanooga .  In fact later Joe informed us that we were in a part of town that was best avoided.  While we were there we actually witnessed a game of three card monty going on.  The brothers that were playing the game cast a baneful glare in the direction of the Patmobile so we made like a tree and got the hell out of there.  We found the motel and by found I mean we saw the sign.  We probably drove around for an additional 30 minutes trying to find it.  When we finally got there my lease on the IHOP food was up.  I fouled the Marriotts restroom facility to the point I wanted to come out proclaiming, I am Shiva Destroyer of Worlds, but since this was the facility my boss was staying in I chose to scurry away instead and let the cleaning crew discover it on their own.
When we finally arrived at the competition I was stunned by the largeness of the event.  The ones I had been to before were small compared to this.  It was truly a sea of cheerleaders.  We eventually found the team we were there to photo and went to work.  Cody was having a particularly good time as he is recently out of high school and knows most of these girls fairly well.  Most of the girls seemed thrilled we were there and even more thrilled that we were there with cameras.  The camera is one of the most powerful female attracting tools ever created. The first day finally began to wind down and Cody and I started trying to convince a group of the girls to have dinner with us that evening.  We learned, much to our chagrin, that these competitions can be very exhausting and that since the girls had to compete again the next day they decided to call it an early evening.  We decided just to head back to see what Joe and Christie were into for the evening.  Joes favorite NFL team, the Rams, were playing in the playoffs that night so it was a football kind of evening.  Sadly the Rams did not do very well and Joe had to deal with his team losing.  In an attempt to lighten the mood I tried to do my impression of the Rusty Trombone.  If you do not know what the Rusty Trombone is e-mail me and Ill tell you.  Apparently this disturbed everybody there to the point of outright disgust. The next day at the competition saw more of the same.  The senior squad we were covering did win the title so everybody was very happy by the time we left.  Once again we tried to get the girls to go eat to no avail.  I can understand their point though they practice themselves to the point of exhaustion and the have to go compete, then they have a 2 hour drive home ahead of them.  Cody and I took the consolation prize and stopped at the new Hooters on Merchant's Drive in lovely Knox Vegas, TN.  This is one of the nicer Hooters Ive been to seeing as it has more actual chairs rather than the ass numbing stools most Hooters are known for. Though this was not my most exciting trip I have ever taken Cody and I had a good time.  I love helping the recently single get on with their lives.  I cant wait for Pat and Codys next big adventure.

 

36. Porn Redistribution Night
 
I am what some people would call a porn aficionado.  I had a huge collection at one point during my tenure at UT.  In fact my friends used to give me all of their old porn when they got tired of it.  Unfortunately I really had nowhere to store it all once the trunk of my car filled up.  I truly hated the thoughts of throwing away such a nice collection.  Then, O.J.,  my idea man at the time came up with something I can only call one of the most genius things ever, Porn Redistribution.
I started out by putting some porn in the stacks at the Hodges Library at UT.  I did it the right way by putting them in the category they fit into, for example I would place the Czechoslovakian porn in the section that contained Czechoslovakian history.  Hey I respect the Dewey Decimal system.
Unfortunately the shear volume of porn I had to redistribute was huge and I figured if I got caught UT would kick me out.  I loved college far to much to risk that.  O.J. proved himself a valuable asset once again when he decided that if I wasnt going to do it at UT the best alternative would be to roll them up like newspapers and throw them in people who look like they need more porn in their lives yards.  So for the next several weekends my friends and I would g out redistributing the love.  Im pretty sure I gave joy to some of Campbell County s porn impaired citizens.
I have currently built up another collection to large for me to store.  Now that I have a convertible this should be a much easier process.

 

 

 

 

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