CAST OF CHARACTERS:

 (mib) : The Man in Black Played by Joe M. 

(Joe) : Prof. Joseph Camp, Ph.D, MLS, B.S, Notary Public, esq.Played by AL M. 

TRANSCRIPT BEGINS 

(Joe) : "What!? What is this? Who are you people?" (many mib's begin ransacking the Library of Congress) 

(mib) : "Sorry sir, routine intimidation." (flashes an unidentifiable badge) 

(Joe) : "I know you. You are that lunatic who infiltrated our computer system and talks to protomatter." 

(mib) : (Ignoring Joe) "Say is that a Cthulhu Statue? Cool!" 

(Joe) : "Put that down! That is a very valuable archeological artifact!" 

(mib) : "Really, I thought you could get these via mail order?" (he reads the inscription) "'Ptooi! Ptooi! Hack Cough! Bleah!' Man, whoever wrote this must've had a cold." 

(Joe) : "Those are cheap knockoffs, that is an original. Now, return it to me at once young man." 

(mib) : "No." (Joe) : "I'm telling you, I am not afraid of your thugs!" 

(mib) : "Hey, do these wings flap?" (snap) (snap) "Oops, er, uh, sorry." 

(Joe) : "ARRGH! Give it here!" (they struggle over the statue) 

(mib) : "Watch it! you'll break..." (the statue's head comes off) (Joe) : "The.. My.. You.."

 (mib) : "Here, let me see that. I'll just put the head and these wings, it's not that hard. Just like a vinyl kit. Now we just wait for the molecular glue to set and..."

 (mib drops the statue, it falls on the floor and breaks into a million pieces. Two mibs carrying Dr. Camp's desk trample the crumbled stone fragments and crush them into dust)

 (mib) : "Uh Oh." 

(Joe) : "..." 

(mib) : "Are you OK doc? You're turning all red." 

(Joe) : "I... am... so... pissed..." 

(mib) : "Look, I'm really sorry, I'll buy you a new one OK?" 

(Joe) : "I... am... going... to... kill... you guys." (mib) : "But Doc, I brought you some protomatter." 

(Joe) : "Kill... you... guys..." 

(mib) : "See, here it is, I would've sold it to Zor except he said that all it was good for was growing an invincible army of fifty-foot warriors." 

(Joe) : "You put protomatter in a tupperware container?!"

 (mib) : "And...?"

 (Joe) : "Would you and your identically dressed counterparts please, please, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIBRARY!"

 (mib) : "Whoa! Pipe down Doc, you can't shout in a Library." 

(Joe) : "IT IS MY LIBRARY AND I WILL SHOUT AS LOUD AS I WANT! YOU UNCONSCIENABLE MENACE!" 

(mib) : "Geez, if that's the way you wanna be. GUYS! pack it up, we're outta here!" 

(Joe) : "Thank you, Jesus." (mib) : "Oh, by the way, where do you want this protomatter?" 

(Joe) : "Just put it anywhere and leave me alone." (mib) : "I'll just put it in the refrigerator." 

(Joe) : "Just go away, far far away." (sobs) 

(mib) : "Will it be safe in this refrigerator? What if someone eats it?"

 (Joe) : "Far far away." (whimpers) 

(mib) : "Better leave a note." (writes on a yellow post-it note:) EVIL JELLO DO NOT EAT! 

(mib) : "OK, Bye Doc, nice meeting you." 

(Joe) : (sobs)

CAST OF CHARACTERS : 

(mib) : The Man in Black- Played by Joe M. 

(goo) : The Protomatter- a dish of Pert Pluse 

(Z) : Agent Zed-Played by Kevin P. 

TRANSCRIPT BEGINS:

 (mib) : "YOU! You disgusting BLOB! You worthless piece of SLIME!" 

(goo) : (remains inert) 

(Z) : "Are you sure this is working?" 

(mib) : "Worked on 'Ghostbusters.'" 

(goo) : (sessile) 

(Z) : "You're gonna try to have sex with it aren't you? You Animal!" 

(mib) : "Uh, hrrm... well, let's not take that train of thought." 

(Z) : "It's always the quiet ones..." 

(goo) : (no reply)

 (mib) : "YOU! You repulsive mass of protoplasm! You steeupid eediot!" (reaches for his gun) 

(Z) : "WHOA! Back off there cowboy!" 

(mib) : "No way man! This stuff is Nyarlathotep, I know it, I can *feel* it." (waves his hand cannon around wildly) 

(Z) : "It doesn't look like Stephan Alzis..." 

(mib) : "You See! That just proves it! I mean, just *look* at it." 

(goo) : (silent) 

(Z) : "You are not well. Not well at all."

(mib) : "Watch, I'll try and seduce it, only to reveal it's true form!" 

(goo) : (motionless) 

(Z) : (motionless)

 (mib) : "C'mon protomatter, who's your daddy? Oh, yeah baby, gimme that slippery stuff! I'll make *sweeet* love to you!" (goo) : (does nothing) 

(Z) : (speechless) 

(mib) : "Dammit! How can it withstand my awesome manly charm? 

(Z) : "Gee, maybe it's stunned by your irresistable studliness?" 

(mib) : "That must be it." 

(goo) : (devoid of kinetic energy) 

(mib) : "OK, protomatter, one last chance, reveal your twisted scheme or we'll sell your liquid ass to the Robotech Masters!" (goo) : (no response)

 (mib) : "What Iron will! Amazing! Oh well, call that purple haired punk Zor, maybe he can use this stuff in his space fortress thingy."

CAST OF CHARACTERS: 

(mib): The Man in Black Played by Joe M. 

(TBO): The Bloated One, Y'golonac, The Hands that Feed, aka Senor Sock Played by Pat P. 

(BUZZ): Buzz the Mi-Go, mib sidekick A slick CGI animation 

(Adolph): Canned Brain and Mi-Go sidekick Mostly left overs from Mr Flatts Bio class. 

(Mr. Squick): Delta Green's favorite insane necromantic pervert Played by Burt T.(for those who don't know, Squick[ing] is receving satisfaction from human soft tissue or organs.) Subterranean Temple of Y'golonac Severn Valley, UK 

(mib): "Hey Buzz, I thought we weren't supposed to be in England?"

(BUZZ): "Bzzzt. Bz zzzt. [Green:Yellow:Violet]" (brandishes glittering tool) 

(mib): "Oh. It's, um, really comforting to know you read the article on emergency trepanation." 

(BUZZ): "ZZ! BZZZ! BZ! BUZZ! [Red:red:UV]" (aims lightning ball at temple) 

(mib): "YOU HEARD 'EM FATSO! COME OUT OF THAT TEMPLE WITH YOUR HANDS UP!" (from the ruined temple of the bloated one, deep beneath the corrupt soil of the ancient Severn Valley, a white tube of fibrous material emerges) 

(TBO East): "Hola! Ey em Senor Sock, eh humble sock puppayt and lov-air of women."

 (mib): "YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE Y'GOLONAC!" 

(BUZZ): "BZ BZB BZ! [yellow:Orange:White]" 

(TBO West): "No, that's really Senor Sock, and I am Quiet Willy, a shy but loveable hand puppet from across the lake of milk and cookies." 

(mib): "Gawd! Why do I always get the weird ones? NOBODY LIKES THAT PUPPET GAME, Y'GOLONAC! NOW COME OUT OF THERE OR WE START SHOOTING!" 

(BUZZ): (fires the lightning gun and knocks over several underground support pillars, much rubble rains down in the cavern) (mib): "Relax, Buzz! We're not shooting yet!" 

(BUZZ): (fires the lightning gun into the temple) 

(TBO East): "AHH! Por favor! Do not shoot me! Senor Sock whill come peac-a-full." 

(BUZZ): (fires the lightning gun into the temple) 

(mib): "Ah, hell with it." (fires quark beam into the temple) ******* A LITTLE LATER (in the smoking ruins of the Temple of Y'golonac) ******* 

(mib): "...you have the right to remain bloated, should you refuse that right, a state appointed dietician will be appointed to you. Do you understand?" 

(TBO West): "I am not Bloated! I am Quiet Willy, a hand puppet! Leave me alone you big meanie!" 

(TBO East): "OH WOE! is this the end of Senor Sock?"

 (mib): "Shut the HELL up!" (handcuffs the hands that feed) ******* A LITTLE LATER ******* Severn Valley Supermarket Produce Aisle (pleasant supermarket muzak plays, no one pays any mind to the huge insect-like alien fungus) 

(BUZZ): "ZZT! Bzz buzz buzz bzzt. [topaz:blue:seagreen]" 

(mib): "Yeah, I see him." (approaches shopper examining cabbages) 

(Mr. Squick): (stops intimately feeling a cabbage) "Can I help you chaps."

 (mib): "Yeah, check this out, you tea-sippin' pansy..." (clobbers Mr. Squick with a truncheon sized neuralyzer) ******* A LITTLE LATER ******* MIB UFO Squadcar Somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean 

(Mr. Squick): "Eh What? Wha' hoppen? Oh! My head." 

(BUZZ): "Bzzzt Bz bzz. [green:green:violet]" 

(TBO East): "Hola! Ey em Senor Sock, an ey-nocent veecteem of thees facisto eh-nd hees fungus." 

(Mr. Squick): (peers blearily at Y'golonac) "EEEEEEYYYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! EEEEEEEYYYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! EEEEEEEYYYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! NO HEAD! NO HEAD! NO HEAD! EEEEEEEYYYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" (thrashes about frantically) 

(TBO West): "Geez, what's his problem?" 

(Mr. Squick): (shudders violently) "No... head... no... bloody... head..." 

(mib): "What did you do to that head-humping limey, Y'golonac? Don't make me pull this thing over."

(TBO East): "Y'golonac? What ees Y'golonac? Ey em Senor Sock, Dan-saer, Ro-man-saer." 

(Mr. Squick): "OHMIGAWD! IT TALKS! IT TALKS!" 

(mib): "Dammit! Buzz, do something to shut him up. I'm trying to pilot this UFO here." 

(BUZZ): (passes Mr. Squick a burnished metallic cylinder labeled "Adolph") 

(Adolph): "Guten Dag! I am Adolph." 

(Mr. Squick): (unscrews lid and looks inside) (Adolph): "Pleez not to lookink inside my can." 

(Mr. Squick): "Ooh! Unskulled brain!" (SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK!) 

(Adolph): "GAH! VAT IST DIS!? CEASE DIS JUDEN OUTRAGE!" 

(TBO): (nervously scoots over, away from Mr. Squick) 

(Mr. Squick): (SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK!) 

(Adolph): "MEIN GOTT! MEIN GOTT IN HIMMEL!" (dies) 

(TBO West): "WAH! You can't put me in a UFO wif a sicko like him! I wanna go back to Judy! Judy wikes me! WAH! WAH! WAH!"

 (mib): (gives Buzz a dirty look) "I can't believe you gave Adolph to that pervert."

 (BUZZ): (nonchalantly munches on a Shan from the several cylinders filled in the UK) (mib): "Bleah! I'm never going back to England ever again."

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

 The Man in Black: (mib) To be played by Joe M. 

Darryl Montgomery: (Darryl) To be played by Steven H. Stephan

 Alzis: (N.) To be played by Shawn P. 

TRANSSCRIPT: 

(mib): "So, we've decided that the 7th Generation is to be terminated from within the ranks to the Fate. But that leaves just one question: What do you want?" 

(N.): "Let's leave that up in the air for now..." 

(mib): (long pause) "You're Nyarlathotep aren't you?" 

(N.): "No." (mib): "Sure you are!" 

(N.): (curtly) "No, I am not." 

(mib): "You are so! Quit playin' wit' me man." 

(N.): "Look, I am *NOT* Nyarlathotep alright. How many times do I have to say it?" 

(mib): (to Darryl) "You know, he sounds just like Nyarlathotep." 

(Darryl): "Who?" 

(N.): "I do not sound like Nyarlathotep!" 

(mib): "That's just what Nyarlathotep would say." 

(N.): "Well what about you? You're the guy advancing all that fringe science and other technological wonders." 

(mib): "Yeah, but I don't have a cult of insane sorcerers who worship me and call me Nyarlathotep, now do I?" 

(N.): "Well, yeah.."

 (mib): "And you don't see me coming back from the dead do you?" 

(N.): "Well, yeah..."

 (mib): "Then you admit it. You're the mailman, mighty messenger, FedExing Joy to Yuggoth." 

(N.): "I am not." 

(mib): "Crawl for me like the chaos you are, c'mon Crawl for the mib."

 (N.): "No." 

(mib): "Well, would you consider going postal for me?" 

(N.): "Believe me, I've been considering it for a while now." 

(Darryl): "Who is this Nyarlathotep guy anyway?" 

(mib): "Don't worry about it."

 (N.): "Don't you have some 1968 quarters to track or something?" 

(Darryl): "No." 

(N.): "Oh, all right then." 

(mib): "Don't you have some whims of Azathoth to obey or something?"

 (N.): "No." 

(mib): "Oh, all right then." 

(mib): "Say, I loved that thing with the mountain of the black wind. When are you going to appear there again?"

 (N.): "Thank you... Uh, I mean, that wasn't me." 

(mib): "It wasn't? Then I thought it sucked. I was just being polite on the off chance that you were Nyarlathotep." 

(N.): "It DID NOT SUCK! Uh, I mean, you know, How would I know because I wasn't there." 

(mib): "Yeah, sure, whatever. One thing I've always wanted to know: Why a fat chinese bitch? That one always got to me. Tell me, do you still cross dress?"

 (N.): "I AM NOT NYARLATHOTEP! I AM NOT! *I* *AM* *NOT*!" 

(mib): "Do you cross dress because you're gay?" 

(N.): "I am not gay either!" 

(mib): "huh huh, stupid gay god." 

(N.): "I think that I will leave now." 

(mib): "You're attracted to me aren't you?"

 (N.): "Not in this lifetime." 

(mib): "No, it's OK, really. It's kinda flattering in a queasy sort of way." 

(N.): "Look, I am not Nyarlathotep and neither am I gay." 

(mib): "Are too." 

(N.): "AM Not!" 

(mib): "Are too." 

(N.): "ARRRGH!" (vanishes in a puff of smoke) 

(mib): "Gee, I never thought Nyarlathotep could be so touchy."