Web Journal

Message Board

ETSU

Friends

Contact


Home


Photo's

ETSU Memoirs

Comedy Picks

Other stories

Pat

Ghost Stories

Links

Wrestling

Past Tales

Email Address


   

   

 

 

 

   

   

 

 

 

 


Kev


Well, Well now. I'm starting on Kev's very own Page. To the lay person that is Kevin Petrey. Kevin is a very interesting fellow. Not as twisted as myself, but twisted in his own right. There are several pictures of me and Kevin on my site, notably one of me violating Kevin. I have known Kevin for many, many years. It's surprising since Joe nearly scared him to death his freshman year, but those stories will come later. Right now I'm going to share something Kevin has written. Here you go.


1. Skit One
2. Skit Two

3. Skit Three
4. Skit Four
5. Skit Five
6. 100 Ways To End Pat

 


 

First Skit

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
The Man in Black: (mib) To be played by Joe M.
Darryl Montgomery: (Darryl) To be played by Steven H.
Stephan Alzis: (N.) To be played by Shawn P.
TRANSSCRIPT: (mib): "So, we've decided that the 7th
Generation is to be terminated from within the ranks
to the Fate. But that leaves just one question: What
do you want?"
(N.): "Let's leave that up in the air for now..."
(mib): (long pause) "You're Nyarlathotep aren't you?"
(N.): "No."
(mib): "Sure you are!"
(N.): (curtly) "No, I am not."
(mib): "You are so! Quit playin' wit' me man."
(N.): "Look, I am *NOT* Nyarlathotep alright. How many times do I have to say it?"
(mib): (to Darryl) "You know, he sounds just like Nyarlathotep."
(Darryl): "Who?"
(N.): "I do not sound like Nyarlathotep!"
(mib): "That's just what Nyarlathotep would say."
(N.): "Well what about you? You're the guy advancing all that fringe science and other technological wonders."
(mib): "Yeah, but I don't have a cult of insane sorcerers who worship me and call me Nyarlathotep, now do I?"
(N.): "Well, yeah.."
(mib): "And you don't see me coming back from the dead do you?"
(N.): "Well, yeah..."
(mib): "Then you admit it. You're the mailman, mighty messenger, FedExing Joy to Yuggoth."
(N.): "I am not."
(mib): "Crawl for me like the chaos you are, c'mon Crawl for the mib."
(N.): "No."
(mib): "Well, would you consider going postal for me?"
(N.): "Believe me, I've been considering it for a while now."
(Darryl): "Who is this Nyarlathotep guy anyway?"
(mib): "Don't worry about it."
(N.): "Don't you have some 1968 quarters to track or something?"
(Darryl): "No."
(N.): "Oh, all right then."
(mib): "Don't you have some whims of Azathoth to obey or something?"
(N.): "No."
(mib): "Oh, all right then."
(mib): "Say, I loved that thing with the mountain of the black wind. When are you going to appear there again?"
(N.): "Thank you... Uh, I mean, that wasn't me."
(mib): "It wasn't? Then I thought it sucked. I was just being polite on the off chance that you were Nyarlathotep."
(N.): "It DID NOT SUCK! Uh, I mean, you know, How would I know because I wasn't there."
(mib): "Yeah, sure, whatever. One thing I've always wanted to know: Why a fat chinese bitch? That one always got to me. Tell me, do you still cross dress?"
(N.): "I AM NOT NYARLATHOTEP! I AM NOT! *I* *AM* *NOT*!"
(mib): "Do you cross dress because you're gay?"
(N.): "I am not gay either!"
(mib): "huh huh, stupid gay god."
(N.): "I think that I will leave now."
(mib): "You're attracted to me aren't you?"
(N.): "Not in this lifetime."
(mib): "No, it's OK, really. It's kinda flattering in a queasy sort of way."
(N.): "Look, I am not Nyarlathotep and neither am I gay."
(mib): "Are too."
(N.): "AM Not!" (mib): "Are too."
(N.): "ARRRGH!" (vanishes in a puff of smoke)
(mib): "Gee, I never thought Nyarlathotep could be so touchy."


SECOND SKIT

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

 (mib) : The Man in Black Played by Joe M. 

(Joe) : Prof. Joseph Camp, Ph.D, MLS, B.S, Notary Public, esq.Played by AL M. 

TRANSCRIPT BEGINS 

(Joe) : "What!? What is this? Who are you people?" (many mib's begin ransacking the Library of Congress) 

(mib) : "Sorry sir, routine intimidation." (flashes an unidentifiable badge) 

(Joe) : "I know you. You are that lunatic who infiltrated our computer system and talks to protomatter." 

(mib) : (Ignoring Joe) "Say is that a Cthulhu Statue? Cool!" 

(Joe) : "Put that down! That is a very valuable archeological artifact!" 

(mib) : "Really, I thought you could get these via mail order?" (he reads the inscription) "'Ptooi! Ptooi! Hack Cough! Bleah!' Man, whoever wrote this must've had a cold." 

(Joe) : "Those are cheap knockoffs, that is an original. Now, return it to me at once young man." 

(mib) : "No." (Joe) : "I'm telling you, I am not afraid of your thugs!" 

(mib) : "Hey, do these wings flap?" (snap) (snap) "Oops, er, uh, sorry." 

(Joe) : "ARRGH! Give it here!" (they struggle over the statue) 

(mib) : "Watch it! you'll break..." (the statue's head comes off) (Joe) : "The.. My.. You.."

 (mib) : "Here, let me see that. I'll just put the head and these wings, it's not that hard. Just like a vinyl kit. Now we just wait for the molecular glue to set and..."

 (mib drops the statue, it falls on the floor and breaks into a million pieces. Two mibs carrying Dr. Camp's desk trample the crumbled stone fragments and crush them into dust)

 (mib) : "Uh Oh." 

(Joe) : "..." 

(mib) : "Are you OK doc? You're turning all red." 

(Joe) : "I... am... so... pissed..." 

(mib) : "Look, I'm really sorry, I'll buy you a new one OK?" 

(Joe) : "I... am... going... to... kill... you guys." (mib) : "But Doc, I brought you some protomatter." 

(Joe) : "Kill... you... guys..." 

(mib) : "See, here it is, I would've sold it to Zor except he said that all it was good for was growing an invincible army of fifty-foot warriors." 

(Joe) : "You put protomatter in a tupperware container?!"

 (mib) : "And...?"

 (Joe) : "Would you and your identically dressed counterparts please, please, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIBRARY!"

 (mib) : "Whoa! Pipe down Doc, you can't shout in a Library." 

(Joe) : "IT IS MY LIBRARY AND I WILL SHOUT AS LOUD AS I WANT! YOU UNCONSCIENABLE MENACE!" 

(mib) : "Geez, if that's the way you wanna be. GUYS! pack it up, we're outta here!" 

(Joe) : "Thank you, Jesus." (mib) : "Oh, by the way, where do you want this protomatter?" 

(Joe) : "Just put it anywhere and leave me alone." (mib) : "I'll just put it in the refrigerator." 

(Joe) : "Just go away, far far away." (sobs) 

(mib) : "Will it be safe in this refrigerator? What if someone eats it?"

 (Joe) : "Far far away." (whimpers) 

(mib) : "Better leave a note." (writes on a yellow post-it note:) EVIL JELLO DO NOT EAT! 

(mib) : "OK, Bye Doc, nice meeting you." 

(Joe) : (sobs)


THIRD SKIT

CAST OF CHARACTERS : 

(mib) : The Man in Black- Played by Joe M. 

(goo) : The Protomatter- a dish of Pert Pluse 

(Z) : Agent Zed-Played by Kevin P. 

TRANSCRIPT BEGINS:

 (mib) : "YOU! You disgusting BLOB! You worthless piece of SLIME!" 

(goo) : (remains inert) 

(Z) : "Are you sure this is working?" 

(mib) : "Worked on 'Ghostbusters.'" 

(goo) : (sessile) 

(Z) : "You're gonna try to have sex with it aren't you? You Animal!" 

(mib) : "Uh, hrrm... well, let's not take that train of thought." 

(Z) : "It's always the quiet ones..." 

(goo) : (no reply)

 (mib) : "YOU! You repulsive mass of protoplasm! You steeupid eediot!" (reaches for his gun) 

(Z) : "WHOA! Back off there cowboy!" 

(mib) : "No way man! This stuff is Nyarlathotep, I know it, I can *feel* it." (waves his hand cannon around wildly) 

(Z) : "It doesn't look like Stephan Alzis..." 

(mib) : "You See! That just proves it! I mean, just *look* at it." 

(goo) : (silent) 

(Z) : "You are not well. Not well at all."

(mib) : "Watch, I'll try and seduce it, only to reveal it's true form!" 

(goo) : (motionless) 

(Z) : (motionless)

 (mib) : "C'mon protomatter, who's your daddy? Oh, yeah baby, gimme that slippery stuff! I'll make *sweeet* love to you!" (goo) : (does nothing) 

(Z) : (speechless) 

(mib) : "Dammit! How can it withstand my awesome manly charm? 

(Z) : "Gee, maybe it's stunned by your irresistable studliness?" 

(mib) : "That must be it." 

(goo) : (devoid of kinetic energy) 

(mib) : "OK, protomatter, one last chance, reveal your twisted scheme or we'll sell your liquid ass to the Robotech Masters!" (goo) : (no response)

 (mib) : "What Iron will! Amazing! Oh well, call that purple haired punk Zor, maybe he can use this stuff in his space fortress thingy."


FOURTH SKIT

 

 

CAST OF CHARACTERS: 

(mib): The Man in Black Played by Joe M. 

(TBO): The Bloated One, Y'golonac, The Hands that Feed, aka Senor Sock Played by Pat P. 

(BUZZ): Buzz the Mi-Go, mib sidekick A slick CGI animation 

(Adolph): Canned Brain and Mi-Go sidekick Mostly left overs from Mr Flatts Bio class. 

(Mr. Squick): Delta Green's favorite insane necromantic pervert Played by Burt T.(for those who don't know, Squick[ing] is receving satisfaction from human soft tissue or organs.) Subterranean Temple of Y'golonac Severn Valley, UK 

 

(mib): "Hey Buzz, I thought we weren't supposed to be in England?"

(BUZZ): "Bzzzt. Bz zzzt. [Green:Yellow:Violet]" (brandishes glittering tool) 

(mib): "Oh. It's, um, really comforting to know you read the article on emergency trepanation." 

(BUZZ): "ZZ! BZZZ! BZ! BUZZ! [Red:red:UV]" (aims lightning ball at temple) 

(mib): "YOU HEARD 'EM FATSO! COME OUT OF THAT TEMPLE WITH YOUR HANDS UP!" (from the ruined temple of the bloated one, deep beneath the corrupt soil of the ancient Severn Valley, a white tube of fibrous material emerges) 

(TBO East): "Hola! Ey em Senor Sock, eh humble sock puppayt and lov-air of women."

 (mib): "YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE Y'GOLONAC!" 

(BUZZ): "BZ BZB BZ! [yellow:Orange:White]" 

(TBO West): "No, that's really Senor Sock, and I am Quiet Willy, a shy but loveable hand puppet from across the lake of milk and cookies." 

(mib): "Gawd! Why do I always get the weird ones? NOBODY LIKES THAT PUPPET GAME, Y'GOLONAC! NOW COME OUT OF THERE OR WE START SHOOTING!" 

(BUZZ): (fires the lightning gun and knocks over several underground support pillars, much rubble rains down in the cavern) (mib): "Relax, Buzz! We're not shooting yet!" 

(BUZZ): (fires the lightning gun into the temple) 

(TBO East): "AHH! Por favor! Do not shoot me! Senor Sock whill come peac-a-full." 

(BUZZ): (fires the lightning gun into the temple) 

(mib): "Ah, hell with it." (fires quark beam into the temple) ******* A LITTLE LATER (in the smoking ruins of the Temple of Y'golonac) ******* 

(mib): "...you have the right to remain bloated, should you refuse that right, a state appointed dietician will be appointed to you. Do you understand?" 

(TBO West): "I am not Bloated! I am Quiet Willy, a hand puppet! Leave me alone you big meanie!" 

(TBO East): "OH WOE! is this the end of Senor Sock?"

 (mib): "Shut the HELL up!" (handcuffs the hands that feed) ******* A LITTLE LATER ******* Severn Valley Supermarket Produce Aisle (pleasant supermarket muzak plays, no one pays any mind to the huge insect-like alien fungus) 

(BUZZ): "ZZT! Bzz buzz buzz bzzt. [topaz:blue:seagreen]" 

(mib): "Yeah, I see him." (approaches shopper examining cabbages) 

(Mr. Squick): (stops intimately feeling a cabbage) "Can I help you chaps."

 (mib): "Yeah, check this out, you tea-sippin' pansy..." (clobbers Mr. Squick with a truncheon sized neuralyzer) ******* A LITTLE LATER ******* MIB UFO Squadcar Somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean 

(Mr. Squick): "Eh What? Wha' hoppen? Oh! My head." 

(BUZZ): "Bzzzt Bz bzz. [green:green:violet]" 

(TBO East): "Hola! Ey em Senor Sock, an ey-nocent veecteem of thees facisto eh-nd hees fungus." 

(Mr. Squick): (peers blearily at Y'golonac) "EEEEEEYYYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! EEEEEEEYYYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! EEEEEEEYYYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! NO HEAD! NO HEAD! NO HEAD! EEEEEEEYYYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" (thrashes about frantically) 

(TBO West): "Geez, what's his problem?" 

(Mr. Squick): (shudders violently) "No... head... no... bloody... head..." 

(mib): "What did you do to that head-humping limey, Y'golonac? Don't make me pull this thing over."

(TBO East): "Y'golonac? What ees Y'golonac? Ey em Senor Sock, Dan-saer, Ro-man-saer." 

(Mr. Squick): "OHMIGAWD! IT TALKS! IT TALKS!" 

(mib): "Dammit! Buzz, do something to shut him up. I'm trying to pilot this UFO here." 

(BUZZ): (passes Mr. Squick a burnished metallic cylinder labeled "Adolph") 

(Adolph): "Guten Dag! I am Adolph." 

(Mr. Squick): (unscrews lid and looks inside) (Adolph): "Pleez not to lookink inside my can." 

(Mr. Squick): "Ooh! Unskulled brain!" (SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK!) 

(Adolph): "GAH! VAT IST DIS!? CEASE DIS JUDEN OUTRAGE!" 

(TBO): (nervously scoots over, away from Mr. Squick) 

(Mr. Squick): (SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK!) 

(Adolph): "MEIN GOTT! MEIN GOTT IN HIMMEL!" (dies) 

(TBO West): "WAH! You can't put me in a UFO wif a sicko like him! I wanna go back to Judy! Judy wikes me! WAH! WAH! WAH!"

 (mib): (gives Buzz a dirty look) "I can't believe you gave Adolph to that pervert."

 (BUZZ): (nonchalantly munches on a Shan from the several cylinders filled in the UK) (mib): "Bleah! I'm never going back to England ever again."


FIFTH SKIT

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

 The Man in Black: (mib) To be played by Joe M. 

Darryl Montgomery: (Darryl) To be played by Steven H. Stephan

 Alzis: (N.) To be played by Shawn P. 

TRANSSCRIPT: 

(mib): "So, we've decided that the 7th Generation is to be terminated from within the ranks to the Fate. But that leaves just one question: What do you want?" 

(N.): "Let's leave that up in the air for now..." 

(mib): (long pause) "You're Nyarlathotep aren't you?" 

(N.): "No." (mib): "Sure you are!" 

(N.): (curtly) "No, I am not." 

(mib): "You are so! Quit playin' wit' me man." 

(N.): "Look, I am *NOT* Nyarlathotep alright. How many times do I have to say it?" 

(mib): (to Darryl) "You know, he sounds just like Nyarlathotep." 

(Darryl): "Who?" 

(N.): "I do not sound like Nyarlathotep!" 

(mib): "That's just what Nyarlathotep would say." 

(N.): "Well what about you? You're the guy advancing all that fringe science and other technological wonders." 

(mib): "Yeah, but I don't have a cult of insane sorcerers who worship me and call me Nyarlathotep, now do I?" 

(N.): "Well, yeah.."

 (mib): "And you don't see me coming back from the dead do you?" 

(N.): "Well, yeah..."

 (mib): "Then you admit it. You're the mailman, mighty messenger, FedExing Joy to Yuggoth." 

(N.): "I am not." 

(mib): "Crawl for me like the chaos you are, c'mon Crawl for the mib."

 (N.): "No." 

(mib): "Well, would you consider going postal for me?" 

(N.): "Believe me, I've been considering it for a while now." 

(Darryl): "Who is this Nyarlathotep guy anyway?" 

(mib): "Don't worry about it."

 (N.): "Don't you have some 1968 quarters to track or something?" 

(Darryl): "No." 

(N.): "Oh, all right then." 

(mib): "Don't you have some whims of Azathoth to obey or something?"

 (N.): "No." 

(mib): "Oh, all right then." 

(mib): "Say, I loved that thing with the mountain of the black wind. When are you going to appear there again?"

 (N.): "Thank you... Uh, I mean, that wasn't me." 

(mib): "It wasn't? Then I thought it sucked. I was just being polite on the off chance that you were Nyarlathotep." 

(N.): "It DID NOT SUCK! Uh, I mean, you know, How would I know because I wasn't there." 

(mib): "Yeah, sure, whatever. One thing I've always wanted to know: Why a fat chinese bitch? That one always got to me. Tell me, do you still cross dress?"

 (N.): "I AM NOT NYARLATHOTEP! I AM NOT! *I* *AM* *NOT*!" 

(mib): "Do you cross dress because you're gay?" 

(N.): "I am not gay either!" 

(mib): "huh huh, stupid gay god." 

(N.): "I think that I will leave now." 

(mib): "You're attracted to me aren't you?"

 (N.): "Not in this lifetime." 

(mib): "No, it's OK, really. It's kinda flattering in a queasy sort of way." 

(N.): "Look, I am not Nyarlathotep and neither am I gay." 

(mib): "Are too." 

(N.): "AM Not!" 

(mib): "Are too." 

(N.): "ARRRGH!" (vanishes in a puff of smoke) 

(mib): "Gee, I never thought Nyarlathotep could be so touchy."

 


100 Ways To End PAT

1. cancel his show. 2. death by mafioso 3. put him a room with a blind and raging Grot. 4. give God five minutes with him. 5. give Ma Duce one good shot at him. 6. let Eric on a coke bender at him. 7. pistols at 50 paces. 8. lift Jenny's restraining order. 9. broken glass. 10. weak floors. 11. gun. 12. car. 13. aerosol cans. 14. keep feedin' him, and feedin' him, and feedin' him. 15. ex-wife 16. drop from bridge. 17. hunting accident 18. molecular wire 19. nailgun 20. hoe 21. ho' 22. chainsaw 23. axe 24. chainaxe 25. liquid nitrogen 26. bobsledding accident 27. fall from high tree. 28. large rock. 29. deep space accident 30. remove skeleton 31. remove head. 32. remove will to live. 33. sewing accident 34. amusement park accident. 35. soylent pat. 36. angry new york landlord 37. blast furnace. 38. guillotine. 39. hannibal. 40. desert island, no volleyball 41. ants 'n' honey 42. deep-sea implosion 43. sharks 44. dynamite 45. cheap parachute 46. nuclear fission 47. remove arms; no more helping! 48. gasoline 49. sulfuric acid 50. your basic fire. 51. volcano 52. geyser 53. crevasse 54. tectonic plates 55. large lizards 56. reconstituted dinosaurs 57. microwaves 58. high-powered subsonic waves 59. teamsters 60. q-tips 61. Q-Tip 62. angry bears 63. busy freeway 64. too much coffee 65. quantum singularity 66. angry dogs 67. lots of paper cuts 68. wood chipper 69. merry-go-round accident 70. angry bees 71. angry hornets 72. angry wasps 73. angry W.A.S.P.S. 74. angry movie producer 75. pretzel choking 76. broken elevator 77. solder 78. taxidermy 79. staplegun 80. zamboni 81. quicksand 82. "Quicksilver" 83. snuff film 84. hemlock, had he the slightest bit of honor 85. funnel cloud 86. funnel cake 87. overeating, like that guy in "seven" 88. angry nerds 89. high-speed boating accident 90. mindhead 91. expanding universe 92. contracting universe 93. flat universe 94. one of those new imacs 95. riaa 96. civil war reenactment 97. harry knowles 98. nuclear reactor 99. +5 sword of reckoning 100. gelatinous cube.

 

 

 


 

2005 -Xanthlore Designs