Some of you have emailed me wondering why I haven’t written about my love life at ETSU. Well it was pretty vanilla at first. I was “in love” at the time and didn’t even really pursue anybody. I later found out that my loyalty did not match hers. In fact she took my being off at college as a reason to do whoever and whatever she wanted.
In retrospect I should thank her. If not for this I would have sat in the dorm all the time making love to my latest copy of Nasty Latin Babes.
So, not long after I found out that my loyalty was misguided I went on the hunt for female companionship. Of course this went poorly at first. How was I supposed to know that what worked for me in high school didn’t work in college? This was not part of my orientation.
Well after a couple of slow weeks I started to see what would work. I was visiting a friend who worked in the pool room/arcade when I struck up a conversation with what I can only describe as a “hippy chick”. She struck up a conversation and seemed interested in the Pat. She suggested we go for a walk. We walked for a bit then I heard, “Let me take you somewhere and blow you". Hell, she was easier than a few reputable girls from Campbell County, how could I say no to this? We walked around campus for sometime and ended up at the outdoor amphitheatre. Now I had zero game at this point, but fortunately a blind, mute eunuch can get laid in college. We proceeded to make out in the amphitheatre in all of natures glory. Of course things went further and further until she ended up going down on me. At this point her bandana had come off and when I looked down at her I noticed what I can only describe as a large growth on her head and by large growth I mean it looked like Jupiter on her forehead. I lost it. I mean picture this; here I was in a large open air theatre late at night on ETSU’s campus, I had actually found a girl willing to do dirty things with me, and she was going down on me while I am laughing hysterically. She stopped and asked, “what the fuck is so funny?!?” All I could do was giggle. Needless to say this ended things.
Of course I went back to Taylor Hall to tell the guys. They all looked mortified. I don’t know what caused them the most distress, the fact that I found a girl willing to do dirty things with me or her abundant melanoma.