The LPV takes a boat ride

Ah summer in Campbell County, it can mean only one thing lake drinking. Well as you can imagine from reading some of my previous stories it was time for the LPV to join with the lake drinkers. Sean, Trent, Sierra, Cody, Steven and myself were off on another grand adventure.

Sean Vinsant was nice, or stupid depending on your point of view, enough to loan us his boat for the day. The boat is docked at one of the more remote of the Campbell County marinas, Powell Valley Resort. We made the trek up there after recovering from Friday night’s trip to Twin Cove’s Kickback Friday Night and the afterparty at the LPV.

We stopped at Food Lion for supplies. Sean (Jessie not Vinsant, from this point on Sean will be Sean Jessie and I will refer to Sean Vinsant by his full name) proclaimed he was going to drink 36 beers on the lake that day. Trent seeing an easy money making opportunity quickly made a $10 wager with him that he couldn’t do it. After spending a foolish amount of money on supplies we made it to the marina.

After a little work we got the boat started and were off on our adventure. Sean began drinking in earnest. When we got near the Springs Resort/Deerfield area we found us a nice cove to stop and swim and drink in. We spent a good deal of time there until we decided it was time to go eat. Sean was at about a dozen or so beers at this point.

We pulled into Shanghai, which is rapidly becoming our Saturday night haunt, for a good meal at their Death Star-esque marina (seriously this thing is two stories and is quite a site to behold if you happen to make it to Norris Lake). We had some of their pizza and dessert while enjoying the company of some of the prettiest marina employees on the lake. Sean had moved into the high teens on his beer count at this point. We also picked up Steven’s sister Beth, who is an amazing creature (think of a supermodel with my attitude towards life, truly she is a gorgeous She-Pat).

It was time for Sean Vinsant to go to work so we took him back to the Powell Valley. On the way we stopped so Sean could “Stone Cold” a pair of beers on the front of the boat. After he did this Vinsant tackled him into the lake. By the time we got him back in the boat he was bleeding from his efforts to get back onboard. Sean Jessie was now past the 20-beer threshold at this point. We dropped Vinsant off and gassed up to continue our evening. We headed back out and Sean moved into out of control mode. He actually jumped up while the boat was in motion to sink beer number 23’s can. Trent became enraged at this point since he was driving and didn’t want the water pigs to give us a citation. It became my job to control Sean. Every time he got up I chopped him across the chest Ric Flair style. At one point we stopped to let Sean piss of the boat and he wouldn’t wait until some other boaters passed by so they saw Sean in all of his urinating glory. Sierra pantsed him at one point and got a massage by his ass for her efforts, sadly I now know the answer to the burning question, is Sean Jessie a helmet or an anteater? We finally convinced him to put on a lifejacket, thus making him both more likely to survive if he got away from me and easier to manage because he was wearing straps. This is also the same time we saw four river otters swimming in the lake. Sean wanted to go fight them. In retrospect I should have let him, but these things would have literally killed him in his state. He was past 25 beers at this point and there is no way in hell his blood would have clotted.

We got back to Shanghai so that Steven and Beth could part ways with us and head to some of the clubs in Knoxville. Sean begged Trent to let him off the boat as I was going to pay for our gas. He promised Trent he would be good and Trent relented and told him he could get off the boat. He then begged Trent to help him walk. I was over at the podium talking to Nancy when I looked over and noticed Sean was gone. Of course I freaked not knowing where he was. I caught up with Trent and Cody who showed me that Sean was staggering up the ramp to go to the restroom, this was nearly a 40 minute round trip for our very drunk friend. He even went up to an old man and what we presumed to bee his grandchildren and asked him if he knew what the shocker was (if you don’t know google it), he then explained to their open mouthed horror that it was two in the gash and one in the ass. At one point when he got back he grabbed Lindsey Bradley, a waitress, on the ass and told her how much he liked it. This was the signal that it was time for us to leave before they kicked us out. He also looked as if he were goin to fight me because I wouldn’t go get Beverly for him (she wasn’t even working that night). You have to be pretty bad to be kicked out of a marina on the lake where drunkards are not only tolerated but also usually embraced. We left and head on our last rip to Powell Valley.

When we got to the marina and unload Sean promptly passed out on the boat ramp. After we docked the boat and loaded the truck we gave him an ultimatum, he could either get his drunk ass up and stagger to his car or Trent and I would each grab a leg and drag him there through the gravel. He wisely chose to stagger to the car. Our other plan that we came up with was to leave him there and delete all of his numbers on his cell phone, except for Manwhore’s. We decided that no matter how bad he was he didn’t deserve to be forced to spend the evening with the cancer that is Megan and her vile hell spawn Railey ( I still needed to point out how terrible a name this is).

Sean swore off drinking after this night. That lasted until the following Tuesday.