Well it is that time of year. Another class will be graduating high school, and going on to college. As somebody who went to college for eight years I feel it is my duty to give you all some friendly advise. Some of this you will have already heard from other sources, but I will include it for those who haven’t; though I do have a lot of advice that you won’t get from other places.

1. Quarters are very important to college students. No other currency can offer you the chance to do your laundry, feed you, and provide you with wonderful drinking games.
2. Always use protection. In fact no matter what form of birth control you use a condom never hurts. Nothing ruins a good first year of college like shitting out a kid midway through the first semester, and there are worse STDs than children out there.
3. If a class requires attendance then go. Academic probation, or suspension really sucks.
4. Try to get a roommate you know you can live with. My second tour of duty at ETSU I was assigned a roommate. It was very scary the time I came in, and caught him and his boyfriend in the throws of lovemaking.
5. Invest in a lock for your dorm fridge. I also once had a roommate that would invite his frat brothers over to raid my fridge.
6. NEVER EVER have more than one credit card. You will get offers every week for pre approved cards, this is not a good reason to take a beach trip.
7. No matter how good an idea it may seem at the time if you are at a party or hosting one do not put a porn in the DVD player, girls will not find this to be a turn on. If it is hermaphrodite porn, or bestiality it will be even worse.
8. Work out a “don’t come in the room” policy. You never want your roommate to catch you masturbating.
9. When you are out drinking make sure you don’t behave like a jackass in public. Public Intoxication charges suck, and DUI’s are even worse.
10. If you choose to cook in your room illegally make sure you disable the smoke detector first.
11. Never rip the doors off your bathroom stalls, and go surfing down the dorm stairs, they won’t replace them and people will be able to see you while you are taking a dump.
12. Don’t piss in the rooms sink. I have never had a roommate take that well.
13. A Brita water pitcher filter will turn even the worst vodka into something tasty.
14. Don’t take steroids. Nothing draws the cops faster than a roid raging guy tossing all his worldly possessions out a third floor window.
15. Don’t debate the street preachers that tell you that you are going to hell unless you have your own PA system. It is more fun to paintball them anyway.
16. If you are going to sell plasma for money that is fine. Eat before you go. Passing out in front of the plasma center and breaking your jaw sucks.
17. If meat is slimy washing it off does not make it fresh again.
18. Going to a strip club can be fun but remember it is like going to a buffet and not being able to eat, and then you have to go home and pretend to eat.
19. Chances are you will experiment with drugs. It happens. Never try anything that does not grow naturally. Do you really want something made in some meth head’s bathtub?
20. You and your high school sweetheart will probably break up. This isn’t the end of the world. There are plenty of crazy sluts in college, both male and female, go fuck them off your mind.
21. Nobody cares that you played football, basketball, etc. in high school. Most likely you will impress nobody with this knowledge. If you aren’t playing on the college level your high school career is irrelevant.
22. Carpet makes the dorm way more tolerable, cold dorm floors suck.
23. No matter how good of an idea it may seem do not roll all your garbage up in said carpet at the end of the year and toss it out the window. Disaster will result.
24. You will always move out at the end of the semester with at least three times the shit you moved in with.
25. Above all have fun, life is to short to take seriously.

College is one time In your life that you can create some lasting and profound memories. Don’t let school, classes, or homework get in the way of that.

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